The reporting-got-me-crazy-new-puppy-got-me-sleepy blues. For the past, what, 2 months or so I have been up to my eyeballs in coverage for a journal I write for. It’s a really cool place to write, and we generate some hella good articles (BetheRain). I’m a conservative, the head honcho is…not. Not sure what he is exactly, an independative, maybe. And then there’s a British guy. Which can lead to some funny as hell conversations at times. Anyway, I’ve been covering the #freedanielholtzclaw thing, and I’m totally absorbed. It seems like I can barely come up for air, much less sleep. Things are, well, things around here. So naturally I thought it would be a brilliant idea to add a puppy to the mix.
An adorable, lovable, warm, fuzzy 4 month old puppy. Named Annabelle. You know about that possessed Raggedy Anne doll named Annabelle, right? Yeah. So on day one, she made the trip from Georgia, she was shy and reserved and worn out from all the new experiences. Day 2 she discovered that when she potties outside she gets a treat. This led to a record number of potty trips. She’d go make the peepees, come inside and 20 minutes later, go make the poopies. All day long. Needless to say, on Day 3 the upset tummy hit. Then it was a solid 24 hours of making the poopies every 20 minutes regardless. Treats were withheld at this time. And food. And sitting on the furniture. And sleep
I’m happy to report that the upset tummy is resolved, treats are strictly regulated, and I now have a toddler in her terrible two’s running around on 4 legs. This, this, this animal gets into everything. Ev.Er.Y.Thing. Nothing is sacred. She destroys remote controls, shoes, brooms, mops, furniture, fireplaces, plastic bags, bras, and panties with equal joyous abandon. And this little shit is lightning fast when she wants to be. If she’s got a remote, you can’t catch her. You just have to stalk her until she tires out, and hope for the best. She is also fond of dragging the outside to the inside. I have swept up enough grass, leaves, pecans, twigs and rocks to make my own forest. And she has a foot fetish. She doesn’t care if you wear shoes or not, your feet are fair game to her. In an effort to not step on her head, I twisted my foot this morning, and now it’s very Shrek-looking and Shrek-feeling. Just when you are ready to lose your mind, she crawls onto your lap and bathes you in cute puppy kisses and head butts. How can you stay mad at that?
By fishing the damn toilet paper out of her mouth while she’s doing it, that’s how. She rouses me bright and early every morning to go make the peepees and the poopies. I’m grateful for that, because cleaning up peepees and poopies is not my favorite thing. But once she is up, she’s UP for a good 5 or 6 hours, jetting around like she’s got a rocket up her butt, daring you to catch up. ***SPOILER ALERT*** You never do. Finally around lunch time, I give in to stress and put her in her kennel for an hour or two, so I can get some peace. She barks and whines for 3 minutes like she’s dying, then lays down and takes a nap. God, what a FABULOUS idea. I think I will too.
The house is quiet, the demon spawn is quiet, and I am just about asleep. It’s at this precise time that my cell phone develops a life of it’s own. I’ve got messages flooding in, calls flooding in, Twitter decides to update my feed, and Facebook sends me every message I have gotten. Ever. This goes on for an hour or two. Then, oddly, as I release the demon spawn Annabelle from captivity, my phone goes quiet. This is now what my days ae like. Every day. ***SPOILER ALERT*** This is also the bedtime routine. So I am back to stalking the dog, while trying to research and/or write without killing myself or Annabelle. Have you ever tried to talk to an attorney while prying a puppy off your foot? I have. The man thinks I’m an idiot now, and possibly mildly retarded. But here she comes again with kisses and head butts. And toilet paper. God Bless It, Annabelle, where the FUCK are you getting all this toilet paper from, you little shit? Pardon me, I have to run, trip, go…I have to find the toilet paper source. Have a great day!